The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? http://esv.to/Ps27.1
A good topic for Friday the 13th is fear. I try not to live my life afraid, and when it comes to traveling to new places, I have an adventurous spirit. But there are still a few things I have no desire to try: like zip-lining or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. I admit to having irrational but compelling fears about flying, snakes, and the worst fear of all, spiders. I try to avoid putting myself in these situations, but fears sometimes follow us and more importantly limit our experiences. In those times I tell myself, “Do not be afraid”, God made that spider, snake, or rat. “Do not be afraid”.
Some people, knowing I’m a little jumpy and nervous by nature try to get a rise out of me and delight in making it worse. I categorize them at the very least, as “nice people being mean”. My husband points out, “you react so beautifully”. So I try to keep a lid on it, but never quite succeed. I am usually much happier without these experiences. Making a jumpy person jump usually ends up with a grumpy jumpy person. When I was a kid my favorite expression to the teasers of the world was “Just leave me alone!”. My siblings thought it was great fun to tease me about that too, calling me “Ruby Red Dress”, that very sketchy character from the ” Leave me Alone” song. I learned that while running away from truly mean people is a good idea, running away from everyone is not. Some teasing is an expression of love.
One time my husband talked me into parasailing. I told him I’d do it but he had to promise not to tease me about ropes failing and shark infested waters. He behaved and we had a great time flying over crystal blue waters together. I am not fond of heights and was glad he was by my side.
I like to have my feet on Terra Firma. I don’t like climbing up sheer cliffs, but do enjoy hiking trails in the mountains. When I was young, I went hiking with some friends in Utah. We hiked up to the top of a 13,700 ft peak, and it was awesome. We signed our names in the log book and headed back down. On the way back, we took a wrong turn and ended up on a steep and rocky scree slope. All I could think of was the angle of repose, the angle at which rocks of a certain size start to slide. The scree was loose and I thought we might trigger a rock slide. As we clambored across the slope, the large boulders shifted under our feet. I instinctively knew it was a bad idea. Adrenaline told us all to retrace our steps and find a better route.
When I was little I was easily frightened at night when my fears lurked in the darkness. My father would gather me in his arms and we’d read from this little accordian Lord’s Prayer book. I still have that book on a shelf near my room. My Dad had a soothing voice and it usually helped. Then we’d chant “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”. The little sobering prayer seemed to help.
When my children were small they would also try to prolong bedtime with stories and requesting lights on. One night I was rearranging the toys on my son’s shelf and he said ” Mom, don’t move the cowboy, he’s guarding the room!” My son is grown and moved out and the little plastic cowboy is still standing on the shelf, six shooter in hand, a sentinel, guarding his room.
One night I put everyone to bed and went downstairs. An hour or so later I distinctly heard Buzz Lightyear from my son’s room saying “To infinity and beyond!”. I was sure he was asleep but went ahead and checked. Sure enough, Buzz had just spontaneously started talking in the toy chest, I took the batteries out and thought, “if Buzz starts talking again, we’re moving!”
There was a time in my life when I didn’t like to fly. A trick I found with flying is to recite in my head the nifty-fifty United States song during takeoff. When I finish, we’re usually at 10,000 ft. There are many stories of musicians who died in plane crashes. So I started another rule, I’m ok with flying as long as there are no musicians on the plane. One flight I took seemed like it had an entire orchestra boarding. I told myself “Get over it”, but secretly I was chanting, “🎶 Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California …”
Once I had a great seat in a “pod” in business class. I was flying from Calgary to London overnight and just over Nova Scotia we hit some rather unsettling turbulence. I thought, but I’m so happy and comfortable in this little pod! I decided if the plane went down they’d find me on the ocean floor in my pod with a glass of wine in one hand and the channel changer in the other, noise canceling headsets on, unfazed, and still watching my movie.
I was being asked to fly a lot for work and I simply had to get over my fear. Using soothing music, prayer, and little rituals on take-off helped. Then I flew to Nigeria. A scary scene next to the runway was an old burned out plane that had apparently crashed. I told myself that it was there for training purposes, like a sentinel, to protect me.
My siblings used to tease me about the show called “Perry Mason”. I would shudder in fear when the opening song played. I have always been hyper-sensitive to jarring soundtracks, but that one was particularly “fingernails on the chalkboard” bad. Growing up my sister loved the show “Dark Shadows”. Even the title scared me. We also watched Rod Serling’s, “The Twilight Zone”. My siblings had learned by then to reassure me, saying the episodes were fake and the props made of plastic. A scene that made a lasting impression on me was the one with the spiders that would crawl out of the sink and the guy kept washing them back down the drain, only to find them crawling back up, doubling in numbers each time. Plastic or not, this fed my fear of spiders.
My husband and son enjoy movies like that. My daughter and I watch chick-flicks. My husband is not really afraid of anything, except maybe crowds. He is a true introvert and is more comfortable in the country than the city. He says things like “that’s a good snake”. In my suburban chick-flick world there is no such thing. Once he saw a small rat in the garage and put out a trap. He forgot to tell me about it and was on a fishing trip when I walked into the garage to dead rat smell. I found the culprit, and spent some time thinking ” should I call someone?” Then I got mad at myself, “You chicken, I thought! For God’s sake, be Brave!”. I donned the closest thing I had to an EPA hazmat suit to take care of the matter. I was so proud that I handled it on my own. When my husband returned he was proud of me too, but a little dismayed that I had thrown out the trap along with the rat.
I have worked hard to get past my fears and trust more in God in all things, those outside of my control, like flying, and those within my control, like creepy-crawly critters. But the eight-legged critters still scare the bejeebers out of me. Small spiders are okay, but poisonous ones and tarantula-sized still give me horrible nightmares. I am not afraid of being bitten, I’m afraid they will appear in my dreams when I least expect them too, leap onto me, and give me a heart attack. It’s a very irrational fear. One Halloween I bought a wire-mesh spider, to guard the house. It’s obviously a fake spider but still makes me jump every time I encounter it.
When my parents passed away, I had to face my fears about dying and at least try to be brave. It was very sad, but I told myself it was in God’s hands not mine. My Mom died of cancer. In my Dad’s case it was a series of strokes caused by diabetes. In fact, my Dad almost lost his foot to a spider bite. These times were unsettling, sad, and fearful. We all tried to be there for them, to recite the 23rd Psalm, to say the Lord’s prayer. I recited “Now I lay me down to sleep” in my head. Both of my parents had peace at the end, and then, in time, so did I. Like a sentinel with a six- shooter, God held me in His arms, heard my sobering prayers, and granted me at least some temporary peace. Now I am less afraid of dying and flying, of rats and snakes, but still, very much afraid of spiders.
Biblically, the concept of fear is closely associated with the word awe. Awe is closely associated with humility. I do not understand the scary situations in the world, but I try not to let them keep me from enjoying life and having adventures. Some people need an adrenaline rush and are invigorated by it. They are wired differently than I am. I have a built-in lifetime supply of adrenaline that is easily triggered. I’m not sure why I am this way, I just am. I have a lower angle of repose. It makes me cry at movies, get goose bumps when I hear a song, and have vivid nightmares. It sometimes makes me the target of teasing. But this is who I am. My overly-sensitive nature also helps me trust in a God I cannot see, have awe for a world I cannot understand, and have humility when facing my fears and limitations. “Do not be afraid”, the Sentinel says. “I am guarding the room”. God checks the corners of my room for spiders and I go back to sleep. (lwr 10/2017)