But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. http://esv.to/Gal5.22-23

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you http://esv.to/Matt5.44

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” A.A. Milne

Many years ago my husband was heading to a team building offsite for work. We both worked in the same industry and had grown accustomed to attending personal improvement workshops. We found them useful but had become a little cynical about the “Flavor of the Month” trendiness of them. What is the workshop on this time?”, I casually asked. He replied without missing a beat “Sensitivity Training”. Unfortunately I missed the wry smile that went along with this statement.

I was beyond ecstatic. I thought, “Finally!” They have decided that its okay and makes business sense to be “sensitive”. My husband could see my excitement and enthusiasm brewing for this training he was about to embark on. ” Ouch”, he said. “Do you really think I need that training?”. I said, “I think everyone in the whole mean world needs it!” “Oh”, he said, confessing, ” Well, I was just kidding, the training is not about that at all! I’m a little hurt you think I need it”, a fake pout replaced his wry smile. “Really? I think everyone needs it”, I repeated, glumly. “I can’t believe you would jest about it!”. He replied , “I’m sort of surprised you fell for it. I mean, Really?”

“Really?” had become code word for my gullible reactions sometimes. I would say “Really?” before believing something that might be a joke. I know sarcasm is supposed to be clever and fun, but it is often lost on me. I prefer people who say what they mean and mean what they say, to ones who say “yes” when they really mean “no” and vice versa, just to get a rise out of you. There are the people who make you laugh, and then there are the ones whose intent is to make you cry. I prefer to hang out with the first group and avoid at all costs, the second.

Sarcasm, it seems, is all the rage, and although I appreciate the irony and humor in life’s quirky situations, most people, especially me, don’t like being the target of sarcastic remarks. Sarcasm is usually clever, but not always well-intended. I found this handy acronym which sums up well the often hidden, mean-spirited intent underlying sarcastic put-downs: “S= it Stings, A = it Aggravates, R = it Retaliates, C = it is Controlling, A = it Alienates, S = it Shames, M = it Manipulates” (http://www.lifeway.com). It may be a fact of life that being edgy and sarcastic is a new normal, a growing trend in business, politics, and debate. Situational sarcasm, or finding humor in the irony of life, is one thing. Thinly-veiled put-downs most of us can do without.

I like to sit by a campfire and look up at the stars. Sometimes I will pick up a long stick and poke at the fire, watching the sparks fly up, imaging that they eventually touch the sky and become stars. I find this relaxing and fun. It helps me think when I am trying to solve a problem. I might be contemplating the wonders of the universe or thinking about a grocery list, it doesn’t matter. A nice campfire is a good companion. In this regard I can almost understand people who like to poke fun at others. I guess it is fun to see the sparks. Maybe they are solving a problem in their head, or contemplating the wonders of the universe. Or maybe they are just plain bullies? I wonder.

I have always been that “you are too sensitive” person. Not the bully. Not the fire-poker person. I am the loyal and unsuspecting campfire who has trouble controlling the sparks when someone pokes me. The person who complete strangers or waiters in restaurants or people waiting in line at the airport will say something sarcastic to, just because I am standing there, minding my own business. I have learned to wear headsets when traveling alone, whether or not I am listening to music. I simply do not appreciate the humor when I am the butt of the joke. These kinds of jokes are almost always followed by me getting defensive and the fire-poker saying: “Can’t you take a joke? Geez, I was just kidding!”

Most of us are decent people who try to avoid bullies and bullying. Every once in a awhile, even as an adult, I will encounter a bully, and often they get the best of me. I get very mad at myself when I let them destroy my inner peace. I think of the fruit of the spirit and try to emulate at least one of the nine traits. I think of Jesus’s instruction to “pray for your enemies”. Perhaps I am not sincere enough when I do that, my shallow prayer may not really want the best for that person. My mother’s advice was to ignore bullies, saying she felt sorry for people who lacked compassion. “What a sad way to go through life” she would observe. Somehow feeling sorry for the broken bully does help turn the situation around. Avoiding them altogether can also be a good tactical life skill.

I once attended a workshop, not on sensitivity, but on its distant cousin, criticism. We read a book called “Where’s the Gift?”. This is a useful little book about advice or criticism that comes to you in a form which is not wrapped very well. We were encouraged to look for “The Gift” or the positive amidst the negativity criticism was often cloaked with. Most people took this class, thinking, “yes, I could be better at delivering and receiving critical messages”. We were encouraged to thank the person who criticized us. The bullies who took the class did not get the message the same way. It reinforced their delivery of badly wrapped messages. “See, I told you so, it’s a Gift”, they bragged. Sensitive people like me can take all the classes in the world and still struggle with seeing the Gift when a message is delivered poorly.

I have tried to understand bullies. What is their Gift and purpose? What is their motivation? Why do we sometimes encourage them by laughing at their jokes? Are bullies, like sensitive people, just the way they are, the way God made them? Can they change? All of these things now go into my increasingly sincere prayers regarding bullies and my reactions to them. What about being “too sensitive”? Is this just the way God makes some people or is it simply a bad habit, like bad sarcasm? How many times do all of us, even sensitive people, take on bullying roles? Its easy to judge “them” from a distance, but are they really “us”?

The next time I find myself relaxing by a campfire or putting on my headset to avoid the sarcastic world, I will try to appreciate the gift that we are all different, made in God’s image, sparks heading upward to become stars. Some flaws are easy to understand while others are not. The broken bully, The overly sensitive person. The people who are glad they are not either one but laugh at the bad jokes anyway. We are all “too” something, “too much” the way we are. I suppose I could even try to see sarcasm as a poorly-wrapped Gift. I suppose I could pray for the person who seems to lack compassion. I could take off my headsets the next time I am trying to avoid the banter all around me. I could see it as a Gift, to be in that place, at that time, with those people, whoever they are, whatever their motivation.

At times, God or fate, if you prefer to think of it that way, has chosen to put “too sensitive” me in the midst of “not very sensitive” bullies. Jesus says “The meek shall inherit the earth”. I think about this at times when the world is telling me to be someone else, to toughen up. I think about the fruit of the spirit, many of which are considered weaknesses in this increasingly edgy world. Sometimes the only way to sum this up is to shake my head and think “Really?”. There I go being gullible again, crackling quietly, like a campfire, sending off sparks when poked, seeking joy, patience, and inner peace, while I furtively reach for the stars.